Poison...

I am not really sure why I am writing right now other than I am just a bit frustrated.  Is it wrong to put your conflicts and disappointments in your blog?  I want this to be a place that is full of happy energy but at the moment I also feel like I need to get some things out if that makes any sense.  Today was a pretty good day don't get me wrong.  Just some things were brought to my attention that now keep spinning circles in my head.  As some of you know my Mom is in the process of a divorce.  It is not the best of situations either.  We had to leave in a hurry and are pretty much having to start from ground zero though My sister, Mom and I are the happiest we have been..... in a really long time.

Now.... I am trying to think of a way to say this without sounding judgmental.  I am the kind of person that... I will befriend anyone.  I look for the good in people and I do not judge people by color, status, family, who they may be friends with, beliefs or lack of... If you are a nice and kind hearted person that treats everyone equally and is an all around good person, then I don't care where you come from or the reasons that stand behind what makes you, you.  I mean don't get me wrong I love getting to know people and learning what makes them who they are but if you come up to me and say something like "The reason I treat everyone so nice and try to be the best person I can be is because the pink dinosaur who lives under my bed tells me I should."  I might not believe it but I am glad that you are the awesome person you are so... Live on great advise giving dinosaur!

That being said... so you see I try not to just judge people right off the bat.  I try to be open minded to what gives others hope for a better future and the will to be all that they can be.  BUT I also... hmm... how to word it... If you are the kind of person who reeks of negativity, puts others down, is an all around not so nice a person.  Then I cut you out for lack of better words.  I don't care to know what you are doing with your life, I don't want to hear gossip about you, I don't want to talk about you...

You don't exist as far as I am concerned.

Now I know this is not always a good thing, and I am not against giving people second chances.  I just believe there are better things to be doing than focusing my attention on someone that I don't like.  If they have wronged me, if they are someone who I don't like personally, then it is a waste of precious thought and time to spend it on them in any negative form.  I am in the wrong if I take the time to gossip, or listen to gossip.  I am the one in the wrong to let myself get frustrated by something this person may of done that doesn't even concern me.  I have much more meaningful things to do and think than to focus on something that is negative.

Now moving on to what this has to do with my Mom and Pauls divorce. When we left our old home for good I made a point to go through and delete Paul and a few other people from my facebook and all my other networking accounts.  I know that may sound a bit harsh, but I knew things were over between my Mom and him a long time ago.  What relationship as step daughter and step father we may have once had ended a very very long time ago and the only reason I had not done this before was for my Mom and we were all living together.  I didn't want something like "deleting my step dad" from my facebook to be the cause of even MORE tension in our home.  When we finally left though I knew it was the right time to do it.  We were gone and I had no interest in holding on or keeping tabs on any of these people.  I wish them all the best, but other than Paul being Caitlin's father so I know he will always in some way be a part of our lives, I no longer need or want them in my life.

That all being said this is why I am frustrated mainly at myself.  Today my Mom sent me a text saying that she had gone to the court house and that all the serving papers had been mailed off and that Paul is not allowed to know where we live so I needed to be careful with what I told a particular friend and her family because Paul just added them all on facebook...  I was very surprised to hear this since in the past Paul had been very straight forward about his dislike for this family for the simple reason of their religious choice.
This sparked a text conversation between my Mom and I about the situation though.  Mainly about things that were frustrating her about the situation.  About what Paul is doing, the people that we left behind and the opinions they are forming about us because of Paul.

AND I quote myself to what I said to her... "...Who cares? They are always forming opinions of us.  Most of these people you don't even like so who cares what they think?"

and here. "...Those people have always been quick to judge and for one aren't the kind of people who's opinions I value because of it..."

I said a bunch of other things but that is mainly what it all came down to.  I said this to my Mom and was very serious about it.  Yet when I got home I let myself think about it for hours.  Just how frustrating it was and how this is part of the reason I was so happy to leave that small town.  I couldn't/can't understand why he added my friend and her family...  I let it literally poison me, which led me to finding Paul through my said friend's facebook, which led to to looking at his wall only to see things that frustrated me.  Instead of taking my own advise that I 100% believe in I did it.  I didn't even stop there I went even further to find him on twitter to see some very nasty things he said about my Mom.  Then I did the most stupid thing I could have in my opinion.  I told my Mom about it, so then she wanted to see it.  I let the negativity poison her too when she was already so upset about everything!

Even writing this post I suppose has in some way just let the negativity continue.  But I had to get it out.  All in all I guess what I wanted to say is... DON'T SPREAD THE NEGATIVITY.
Honestly I think from time to time we all need to stop and consider this in even the simplest of things.  Something as small as taking the time to look at someone's facebook who you don't even care for may seem harmless, but it does do damage.  Don't spend precious time on something that in the end means nothing.  Not just for the sake of others but for yourself!  It all starts with you, if you take the time to feed on a negative thought or act it only grows and will likely just be pushed on to others.  I've disappointed myself today.  I really let it all get under my skin but I am making a promise to myself that tomorrow... today... I am going to spend my day doing and thinking things that are worth my time.  My wish is that you all will be able to do the same.  I wish you all that are sleeping or getting there have peaceful dreams and wake to a beautiful day.

-Nadine