E is for Eggs

This week was not hard for me to choose what to write about at all.  Eggs have always been something special to me because of my Mother.  She is a collector of eggs.

Eggs have great significance in magick.  They are a sign of fertility, protection and can be used for cleansing.  Egg shell has many uses either in its natural state or made into chalk or paint.  I have found them most useful during meditation as well.  I think personally one of the most interesting things I have ever used an egg for was when I was 13.  I had read in one of the books I had just bought that if you write your troubles on an egg and bury it that the problems will work themselves out.  From my personal experience a lot was going on in my life back then with my family and while I think some of the things I wrote on the 4 eggs I buried did work itself out, a lot just took time. 

When I was really little we used to have chickens also.  It was one of my favorite things to go into the coop and find all the fresh eggs.  Granted I had/have a fear of chickens so it was a sketchy task but still fun.  I guess I never realized how nice it was to have an almost endless supply of fresh eggs until we moved to the city and no longer had chickens.  Not only were they great for cooking but when needed it was nice for cleansing.  Something about being able to go into a coop and find 'your' egg for the task makes the experience all the more fulfilling.

Well I figured that I would share pictures of my Moms collection with everyone.  I think she started this collection before I was even born.  Don't judge that some serious dusting needs to happen.  This is at the apartment that neither of us have lived in since before Christmas.  Lol

I think that some of my favorites are the actual Emu and Ostrich eggs.  Of course the clear glass egg full of the smaller eggs is fun too.  But I think my all time favorites would have to be these two...  The green one I fell in love with the first time my Mom showed it to me.

Well I hope that you all enjoyed the photos.  Again excuse the dust!  Lol  Hope that all of you are doing well.

Balance

I decided that I needed to balance out my post from negative to positive.  So I thought that I would let you all know that I have been sleeping sound for quite some time now.  For those of you who have read previous post you know this is a bit of a big deal for me.  No trouble at all once I am ready to sleep I can fall asleep.  I think part of it is I have been centering myself as I lay down for sleep almost every night.  It really really really helps me relax.  The other part and I know this will sound weird I think is my sister.

So my sister made me this necklace right before she moved back to NM.  I have to admit I have been really missing her.  Anyways she made me this necklace and I hung it on the head board on my side of the bed.  Truthfully I forgot that it was there.  When I began to center myself and just make an effort to relax and calm my thoughts though one night I just like noticed it.

It was like boom I am here above your head silly!

Now every night as I am getting into bed I see it and all I can think about is my sister and I am instantly happy and relaxed.  It is like she is there helping me sleep and I am too busy thinking about her and all the many happy memories I have of her to think of anything else.

It has managed to become a part of my going to bed process and I can't help but think that even so far away she is helping me out without even knowing it.

On other news though...

Look and who crawled up on my leg today to say hello!

Shamefully yes I freaked out like a little girl when I noticed.  I jumped up did a little jig and wasn't content to calm down until I found it in the grass so I knew for sure it wasn't still on me.  I haven't the slightest idea what kind of spider this is.  I guess that I am a little relieved that I didn't kill it but well...  Oh I just can't handle it when they crawl on me.

Lol so for the second time today.  I hope you all are doing well.  Have a wonderful night.  I hope to have my PBP up sometimes soon probably tomorrow since it is my day off.

Explination

So I feel like I should explain myself after last nights little tantrum.  I won't go into too much detail as it does have to do with my job and I can't help the personal feeling of unprofessional-ism that comes with the idea of  'gossiping' about my current employers.

I will say... they are driving me crazy?

A lot of... whats the word.... inconsistency of sorts.  I have been working... alot.  47+ hours a week since starting this new job and being offered 'full time'.  I guess I hadn't realized it would be more like full time plus over time without the pay.  So that is a bit more than I am used to but... the hours keep piling on last minute and that is starting to wear down on me.  Along with EXTREMELY last minute schedule changes.  I don't really understand how its ok?  Like... I am headed home for the night on the porch at 9:30 p.m. and get told I need to be there the next morning at 8 a.m. to work a 10 hour day when I expected to have the day off, sort of last minute.  Keep in mind it takes me 35-40 minutes to get home from their house so it was a really late night, and a really long following day.

I also haven't connected with the family at all.  In fact there is a lot... I disagree with?  Which makes my job difficult to do.  Just a lot of little things turning into bigger things... and weighing me down.

I think what hit the nail on the head for me was this.  I requested two days off.  Now I know that I have just started this job.  But this was discussed in my interview and was agreed that if I give decent notice its not an issue.  So I asked for these two days 2 months in advance.  And was immediately shot down, spoken to like a was a child, and had my job in a way threatened.  Which I have to say shook my composure enough but then was told that the schedule is set all the way until 2015 and that there is no room for things like this...

Any normal full time job you can request a day or two here and there and usually its not an issue especially if you request it well in advance.  This isn't the first full time position that I have ever had so I would know.  You can request time off with proper notice, vacation time, sick days... I mean... must I explain?

So to be told that for the next year my life is 47+ hour work weeks with no option of requesting any time off?  I mean don't get me wrong I am not the type to make a habit of taking days off.  I usually work through being sick (depending on how bad it is since I do work with kids), if I do need/want a day off I always try to give months notice.  In my work history there has literally only been once where I request 4 days off in a row and that was when I was working a part time job, and I requested it 4 months in advance.

It was extremely frustrating, but I think what made it so bad was just the way I was talked to.

I don't understand how some people get into a mind set that it is alright to walk all over others.

So that is all I am gunna say.  Excuse my rant.  I am feeling slightly better today I guess.  Still down in the dumps I guess and unsure of what to do.

I hope you are all well.

Ahhhh really?

You know I had this long string of a rant in my head that I thought I would put into words.  All I can bring myself to say though is I am so... disheartened and......... ohhhh I am just so stickin angry!  Just ahhh... I can feel 'it' oozing off of me.  I hate being this frustrated.  I feel like I am just either a mass ball of energy about to burst or stinking with negativity to the point its making me feel sick.

I know this will probably cause raised eyebrows.  I will try to be more informative of the situation another day.  Right now I just want to go to sleep and know I desperately need it.

I hope you are all well and it is my greatest wish at this moment that you are all content and surrounded with happiness and positive energy.

D is for Dreams

I have always had a certain fascination with dreams.  The hidden meanings within and the way people interpret them.  I have a big book of dreams which I often find myself flipping through whenever I am bored.  I am definitely no expert at dream interpretation.   I can't even say that I can interpret them at all.  Dreams have always been a mystery to me, but I don't really mind.  Honestly I think some of it may be a little fear?  What would I discover if I were to look into the meanings behind the things I see when I am asleep.  Many of the dreams that I do happen to remember which is not often is usually a dream of myself in some sort of situation.  Whether it be completely bizzar or extraordinarily ordinary.  ;)

Sometimes the situations I dream myself in are down right terrifying.  Not by the situation but by the things that I do and how completely unlike myself I appear to be.  I have dreamt of myself doing the most awful things which I don't care to admit.  It leaves me frightened of what it could possibly mean and too ashamed to ever let anyone know how I behaved, even in a dream.   

Anyways so inspired by this weeks letter I decided to do an experiment I had read from a book.  I more often than not don't remember the things that I dream about unless they are bad.  In a book (can't remember exactly which at the moment) I had read that a way to recall ones dreams is to sleep with a mirror beneath your pillow, preferably small and round.  I know the more common practice is to keep some sort of writing material next to your bed to write down your dreams when you wake before the dream leaves and is forgotten.  I just thought this was a little more interesting of an approach.

Surprisingly I did remember the dream I had the first night!

It was strange to say the least.  At least I think it was strange.  I dreamt of being in the mirror...  Like I was a little person in the mirror looking out.  I could see me through my pillow with my face smashed against it mouth a gap and slightly snoring hair in a huge matted mess.  I could see my bf with his arm thrown carelessly across my pillow right above my head, he too was snoring.  I could see our dog squeezed between the headboard and my bfs pillow with his face inches away from mine.  I remember looking at the blanket and yet I could see threw it and into the rest of the room.  It was almost like I was poking my head out of the little mirror and taking a peak at the dark sleeping room.  

Another night I dreamt of ribbon.  Red ribbon in darkness just unraveling going all over the place.  I think I saw something like it in a movie once.  I don't think it was a particularly long dream because at one point it was like the unraveling ribbon did a big drop and it caused me to have the sensation of falling and I jolted awake.  

Then another night I dreamt of grocery shopping and coming home and eating an oreo ice cream cake.  It was delicious.

So I found this practice with the mirror to be extremely helpful as far as remembering the dreams that I am having.  I am no closer to understanding the meaning behind them lol.  Who knows maybe one day.

Sorry that this post is so late.  Been busy but I am trying not to give up on this challenge as I really enjoy reading everyone else's post and want to be a part of the fun.

I hope you are all well and had a nice week leading into an awesome weekend.

Ewwww

So as mentioned before my first week of work and the kids I take care of now are both sick.  What is the joys of taking care of sick kids?  There is a 90% chance that you are going to catch what they have.  So yesterday morning around 6 a.m. I rolled over in bed only to be woken up by the all too familiar feeling of needing to puke.  I laid there for a second still slightly asleep thinking to myself "No, I'm not sick.  That can't be".  Only so a minute later I could rush out of bed and barely make it to the bathroom in time.  

It was horrible...

So I tried to call and text J. and C. unsure I would be of much help to them as I kept having to rush to the bathroom what seemed like every 10 minutes.  I could not reach anyone though.  So I sucked it up got dressed and headed to work.  I didn't want to just not show up.  It is only my second week after all.  I ended up having to stop half way there to get sick in the bathroom of a Circle K which was disgusting.  It caused me to be nearly 15 minutes late.  Then not even 5 minutes after I got there I got more sick than I had been all morning in their bathroom.  On top of being overly embarrassed I was begging in my head that she would just let me go home.  Which she did I didn't even ask as soon as I came out J. said she really thought I should go home and she completely understood because she has been sick all morning as well and so had both the kids.

Well relieved just doesn't seem to express how I felt.  I mean I feel terrible and I feel like this is making a horrible impression but since they are all sick as well I am sure that they understand.  =(

So I wasn't able to make it all the way home before I needed to stop again.  I decided to head to my old apartment which lease doesn't end until next month.  I thought it would be nice to have the privacy of my own clean bathroom.  I get there though and surprisingly my Mom is there with her ex husband.  Well I am sure we can all guess the irritation there but there was no turning back.  So for the next half hour the had to listen to me get sick until I was steady enough to make it the rest of the way home.

I have been sick before had the stomach flu, food poisoning.  I have NEVER felt like this before though.  I didn't eat or drink anything yesterday yet I continued to puke every hour despite there being nothing left to get rid of.  It was like I could not control my body to not go through the motions of getting sick.  On top of that I hurt.  Like everything just hurt the bottoms of my feet, to a massive head ache, my stomach feeling like it was trying to collapse on itself and my back screaming at me.  I couldn't stand up or else I needed to get sick and so I spent all day in bed on my back.  Thankfully today I am feeling better.  Still a bit queezy but not in pain anymore and not getting sick.

Back to work on Sunday.  I understand now why the kids felt so bad.  Time to try and get something in my system and start a BRAT diet.  Banana, rice, apples, and toast.  Well maybe not the bananas cuz me thinks they are gross.  But everything else sure.

I hope all of you are having a wonderful Valentines Day and that your health is with you.  

First Week Of Work

So the first week went good for the most part.  The kids were sick though so I definitely had my work cut out for me.  Both being so young are already attached to their parents so much and then not feeling good on top of it.  Poor Y. was sick to her stomach and ended up puking multiple times.  So lets just say that I feel like this first week of work kicked my butt.  The up side?

The family was so impressed with how I worked with the children and kept both parents involved even when they were away that they offered to give me full time opposed to as close to full time as they could.  I feel a little bad because they let one of their occasional sitters go but they wanted someone who was going to be with the children on a regular basis.  I guess before hiring me they had four different sitters all different days sometimes two a day and all had varying schedules.

I have to admit I am a little intimidated as the family is very different from the last family that I nannied for.  Plus trying to keep the kids involved and active is of course harder with their age.  Joys of watching older children is their independence and their own want to entertain themselves.  I am excited though because so far we have been  able to do all sorts of fun activities that older kids might find boring or 'childish'.  Tea parties, hide and seek, cucumber cut outs for a healthy snack, and general being silly.

Still, I can't help but still feel sad.  I am already missing the kids I used to watch, the whole family in general.  Its a hard situation as I didn't want to have to leave and they didn't want to let me go.  We tried to wait for another job to come along for C. but I had to take the new job offer.  Don't get me wrong, the new family is a great family too!  I just get this feeling that I won't connect with them on the level that I did with the previous family.  Is that naive?  I mean really each connection is different so on a level it is true.  Really though I think it is just a fear of change its hard to look past the extreme differences sometimes.

I mean I knew during the interview that I connected with the previous family and sat on edge waiting for the call that they liked me as much as I did them.  My interview ended up being over a hour long with just us talking about our likes and everyday lives while the kids tried to tell me all the things I needed to know to take care of them in one night.  We all shared a love for Disney and Pixar, a awesome nerd love for things like Lord of The Rings and Harry Potter.  The little girls instantly took a liking to me and me to them.  I connected with R. the 8 year old with our love of reading and the great thing was we both read a lot of the same things and then I connected with E. the 9 year old because we are both artistic and love to draw.  Really the whole family was artistic.  

                                            

This new job feels a little more... formal?  My interview was relatively short and to the point and the next interviewer showed up while I was still there which was a bit awkward.  When there I have to admit I find it a little hard to relax.  Not that they haven't done everything to make me feel completely welcome.  It just 'different' and the kids haven't completely warmed up to me which is to be expected.  I am after all a stranger and well if they had 4 different sitters before I can understand how this is a change for them as well. 

 I mean this is a job so I know I should treat it as such.  I would have eventually had to get a new job the kids won't need a nanny forever.  But gosh darn it I am going to miss them!  I was really hoping to be able to work for them for a long while.  

Ugh...

I know I shouldn't be focusing on the negative.  This new job is really a blessing and I do like the family.  They have been really good to me so far as well and very considerate.  They obviously like me if they are offering me full time which trust me is a huge blessing for me right now.  I am sure I will grow to like them just as much.  It is just going to take some time for all of us to fall into the routine.

Anyways on another note my cousin K. posted on my timeline on facebook a few days ago that she is going to get a tattoo of a flower that I drew for her YEARS ago and that she wanted me to get it with her.  I couldn't remember what the flower looked like though and I have tried to improve my sketching so I decided to redraw the design.  I remembered the basic idea but I changed it up a bit.  Originally it was supposed to be designed to go on the foot.  I personally already have a plan for my feet and honestly haven't decided whether or not I will ever get it.  I am a bit of a foot purist I guess.  So I drew this...

It needs a bit of work sure but I like the general design and so does my cousin.  We are thinking that it will go on one of the shoulder blades  I honestly didn't think that I would get another lily since I already have the tattoo on my leg that I got to symbolize my Mom.  But for my cousin I will since her and I have always been more like sisters.  Did I ever show you guys the tattoo I got for my Mom?  I don't remember.  So here I will show another picture...

I know a bit girly.  The tattoo of the rose is one that my Mom got when I was 5 and I watched her get it.  I always said that when I got older that I would get that tattoo because I thought that it was pretty and about the coolest thing that I have ever seen.  My Dad has a few tattoos as well and I always thought that they were amazing.  My brother and I actually both got our first tattoo together while my Dad got one of his old tattoos touched up and redone.  My brother got his chest done while I got the tattoo on my leg.  Honest truth I have all sorts of tattoos that I want but I always said that I had to get the one for my Mom first before I could get any other.  As I got older though I realized that I really don't like roses... like at all. So I decided to update the design a little bit and to go with a lily even though my all time favorite flower is a tulip.  I love how it turned out.  I wanted it heavily outlined and a more simple design so that it would be similar to the style of my Moms.  

Now I am excited to be able to start getting a few of the other tattoos that I have always wanted.  I think this is the one I am the most excited for.  I saw something sort of like this for a memory to someone who had passed away and I wanted to make one for the memory of my baby sisters birth.  I think I will get rid of her name in it though I am not sure yet.  Of course I want to change it up a bit make it 'better' plus I made a mistake, she was born at 6:35 a.m. not 6:30.  I want to try and make a way to incorporate the year maybe the whole date I haven't decided yet.  But the butterfly is a must says my sister and it must be purple.

Well I hope that all of you are having a nice week.  This post turned out much longer than I thought it would.  I really should not treat this so much like a journal.  Lol I don't want to bore you all with every thought that passes through my head.  Have a good night everyone.  Have to start getting ready for bet have to work tomorrow.

Oh and sorry about the copy right on the pictures I had an issue with someone actually trying to claim my stuff I was a bit upset.

Woooohooo!

So I said that I would keep you all up to date.  I got the job!  I am still a little nervous.  I mean it is a pretty big change compared to the previous family that I was working for.  Despite the fact that it is two less kids I think they are going to be more of a handful.  It is to be expected as these two children are much younger than the others so the demand more attention.  I am so excited and relieved though.  So that is my good news.  I hope that you all are having a great week.  =)

Centering

I know I said that I was going to continue to write about Cosmetics and Magic this week.  Truth be told though I just didn't have the inspiration to write about it.  One I have found that it is really hard to find anything on modern day make up and magick.  As most thing go it is one of those things that really depends on the person who is practicing that will determine how their make up is done.

What has been on my mind is Centering.  Now I don't think that I have to really go into explaining exactly what this is.  It is something I am sure most of us learn early on in the pagan path.  It is an essential tool of sorts.  At least that is what I think.  Before most rituals, tarot readings, and spell work a lot of the time we take a few minutes to sit and gather our thoughts and clear our minds.  Some even meditate on an everyday basis in the morning before they start the day and others like myself at night before going to bed.

This topic choice shouldn't really be surprising seeing as I have been having problems sleeping and it was suggested to me that I start centering myself as I lay down ready to go to sleep.  I have meditated before sure.  But really centering myself, returning all my scattered thoughts to home?  I have always had a hard time with mediation.  If there is anything that I struggle with that is calming my thoughts.  I have a hard time just quieting down.  Constantly have something on my mind which will stem a random thought which stems another, just like anyone else.  Just a long continuous chain reaction.  Before I would sit to meditate and be chanting in my head "don't think don't think don't think."  Which I know!  Is totally not the point of meditation and then I would frustrate myself knowing that chanting in my own head was not going to solve the problem which would lead to more irritation that I had lost focus.

Lol needless to say it took me some time to learn to just 'be'.  I am not even going to pretend like I have mastered that because I have not.  I know some people like to listen to calming music when they mediate and I have found this useful on very rare occasions.  Most of the time though I can't have any music in the background it really distracts me.

I think when I lay down to go to sleep at night I have such a hard time falling asleep because I don't have any activity that is focusing my attention.  Instead I am laying there in the quiet and my thoughts go everywhere all the good and the bad just comes back and plays through my mind.  I try to work out all the problems and sometimes only make it worse by picturing the worst things that could happen.

So the act of centering myself has helped the last couple of nights.  Just taking a few minutes to reel in all the scattered thoughts.  All the different mental trails I have made throughout the day just bringing them all back in.  I can't really say if I have fully accomplished this.  Since the act itself the last couple of times I have tried it have led to me falling asleep in the middle of it.  I don't really consider that a bad thing though.  In fact I prefer it to being awake all night, thoughts going a hundred miles and hour.  If just the simple exercise of pulling in my scattered bit of attention and focus relaxes me enough to fall asleep then I think it is an accomplishment.

Its going to sound funny but when laying down and doing this I visualize all this energy being pulled away from my head.  Like all these thoughts being balled up into this tight ball of energy and if I let go of it its all going to just scatter all over the place again so instead I just move it down and out of my head, down all the way until it leaves through the bottom of my feet.  Of course the thoughts aren't gone but picturing this just helps silences everything long enough for me to relax and get to sleep.

Other than that I think one of my other favorite practices to do is counting sounds.  I think that is one of the reasons I am not a fan of music playing when I meditate.  More often then not I will sit and count the sounds.  I try not to search for sounds, straining to hear the world around me, but whichever sounds manage to make there way to me I will count it.

Well that is all for today.  I hope you all had a wonderful week.  I have been pretty busy this week but that is a good thing.  Have a great weekend!  I will be working woot woot.  Will find out on Sunday if I officially have the new job or not!  =)

Crossing my fingers.

So I told myself I wasn't going to tell anyone until it was for sure but I have to tell at least someone.  So on Sunday I had a work interview.  It was a bit sudden and not even a job I applied to.  A family reached out to me about a Nanny position.  I have to admit I was super excited to be having an interview as it always feels like you will never even get to that step.  On the other hand I was also really really really nervous!  So I went to this interview and I had a good feeling about it the whole time.  I mean I am not going to say I wasn't nervous because I was.  But I thought that it went really well.  As J. walked me to my car she told me she was sorry that I hadn't met her daughter who was napping the duration of the interview so I was only able to meet their baby boy.  She asked if I would like to come back on Tuesday and meet her daughter maybe make a little work interview out of it and I said sure.  Needless to say I had a little bit of a confidence boost.  I like to think that if they hadn't liked me I would not have been invited back.

Later on that evening I received a text from J. asking if I would like to make Tuesday 8 a.m. - 5 p.m. and Thursday 8 a.m. - 6 p.m. both working interview days and they would be paid.  Again a major confidence boost reassuring me that they did in fact like me or else the simple interview would have been the end of it.  So I went to my working interview today.  My nerves were going nuts.  I mean anyone who has taken care of someone else's children knows that it is a very awkward process the first few times.  The kids will test you to see what they can get away with.  You want to make sure they know they need to listen without over stepping as a sitter.  Figuring out where everything is in the house.  The list goes on.  So I was nervous to say the least but excited.  J. was there the whole time though she was off doing her own thing.  The day went really well but of course the nervousness never left since I was completely aware that this is an interview and well my behavior with the children and how I handle them is all being monitored.  Not say its a bad thing but it is nerve wracking.

So it was the end of the day and I was getting ready to leave and J. and I were talking about how the day went.  She asked if I had anything going on this Saturday and I told her I had promised the family that I had been working for that I would help them out.  Which she then remembered that I had mentioned it in my interview so she asked if I had anything going on Sunday.  Since I didn't I will now be working on Sunday and she said we can sit down and get the schedule figured out that way I would know what days they will need me!  Trying to play it cool though  I asked "So... does that mean I got the job?"  To which her response was "Well yeah pretty much.  I mean I have to talk to C. of course but you know the man usually just goes with what you suggest anyways."

=D
I am trying not to get overly excited because of course they will make there official decision come Sunday.  But I can't help it.  I mean.... she basically said I have the job.  Anyways I had to get it out before I exploded.  So send all the good vibes that you can that Thursday and Sunday go well!

That is all that is going on right now.  I am still trying to figure out what I will write come Friday for my PBP post.  I hope that all of you are doing great.  I am still working on getting my sleep schedule figured out.  I am definitely going to look into getting some Melatonin as suggested by Pearl from The Witch Under The Stairs.  I feel much more comfortable with taking that then taking a Benadryl when I just can't handle it anymore.  

Have a good night everyone!

Sleeeeeeeeep

Ok so my theory of Scrubs being the answer to me being able to sleep seems false.  I slept alright for a while... but now... I am running on maybe.... 10 hours TOTAL of sleep for the last three days.  I feel like my eyes are on fire.  Lol  I didn't fall asleep until 5 this morning and had to get up at 9:30.  I bought myself some Sleepy Time Tea.  Hopefully that helps but I have to admit this is starting to get to me just a little bit.  I know it bothers my boyfriend because I toss and turn trying to fall asleep so it keeps him up.  I don't know what it is going on, I am just so paranoid.  I hear every noise that goes through the house and just lay there playing out the worst scenes in my head.  I am not even sure what I am afraid of.  I just know I have to start getting on a regular sleep schedule or I am going to go crazy.  This whole thing is ridiculous.

I hope all is going well for the rest of you.